I love music and dancing, ice cream and bread. I hate the treadmill. I didn’t want to give up ice cream and bread. So I started taking Zumba classes last March at the YMCA.The problem was that Zumba was really for women, all ages, all sizes and shapes. How does a guy walk into a class of 30 women without feeling conspicuous, even resented? You can’t. So I always stood in the back row trying my best to be unobtrusive. I think it worked for the most part. But in the first few classes it was a constant effort to be facing 30 female asses and not stare, or appear to the ladies not to be staring. I didn’t want to make them uncomfortable. More importantly, since I really liked Zumba, I wanted to learn the repetitive typical Zumba dance steps that all the instructors incorporate into their routines. To do that, I had to focus on the instructors. I had to watch them, keep my eyes on them, not the butts in front of me. And that’s what I did. It’s now been 8 months and I’m going to 5 classes per week. I’ve learned basic Zumba steps. I see the same women, but I still don’t know anyone because Zumba ladies aren’t that friendly to me. It’s understandable. Maybe they’re wary of the rare guy in their midst. Although now, after several months, I do get the occasional “hi”. And I did get a “How was your Thanksgiving?” the other night. That was nice, and an indication that I have broken the ice somewhat, and maybe I’ve been accepted as dedicated to being there for the right reasons. That’s okay. I’m not there for social reasons. I’m there so I can continue to eat ice cream and bread. You know, eat like I’m 21. It’s a guy thing. I’m certainly not there to lose weight. That’s one thing I have in common with the ladies. They don’t lose weight either. Those that are naturally thin, stay thin. Those that are not so thin, are still not so thin. Maybe that’ll be my next goal, to lose weight. Come to think of it, that might not go over so well with the ladies. That’ll really ostracize me. They’ll think I’m a real A-hole. Usurping, intruding on their thing. And losing weight too. Drats. Hey, what can I say? Zumba’s my life. Seriously, at this point, I’ve learned many of the repetitive dance steps. I can hold my own. Sometimes I even move up from the last row, which is the row for beginners and those with no rhythm. You know, the horrible Elaine Bennis dancers. The instructor goes right, and they go left.
And then there is the front row. The front row is always, from first grade on, the row of the miss perfect. Always with the right answers, always the teacher’s pet.
The front row seems to be reserved for the best dancers, the women who know all the steps or learn the new steps annoyingly fast. But there is one dance step that almost all women, no matter what age or shape, can do great that most men can’t. I call it the humping move. When I try the humping move, I look like Peewee Herman. Women, on the other hand, can really move their hips and asses. No matter what size or shape, women can do the humping move way better than men, unless you’re Derek Hough. It just comes naturally to them, God bless em.

So there you have it. I love Zumba, but there are unwritten rules for men who have the temerity to try it: Stand in the back. Focus on the teacher. Don’t stare at butts. Learn the repetitive moves. Don’t expect to make any friends. And for sure, don’t lose any weight.