Only me. I swear this stuff happens only to me, and Larry David. Well, it feels that way. I’m still kinda put off by what happened yesterday in the WholeFoods parking lot. Even though I laughed about it last night, today I’m kinda aggravated about it.
Anyway…I’m sitting in the WholeFoods parking lot waiting for my GF to do her pain in the ass “organic” shopping, when I saw bird shit on the passenger side of my windshield. I got out of the car and cleaned it with a napkin. Yuck. I looked for a barrel and none were anywhere around. Well, none were close by. So…..I had 3 choices:
1) Go inside WholeFoods to look for a barrel, 2)throw yucky bird shit napkin in my car trash bag which I empty out about once every 6 months, or, 3) just drop it on the ground near my passenger door. Ok…I was lazy. I dropped it on the ground. I figured, hey, WTF, they hire people to clean the lot. Every kid needs a summer job. So I rationalized my laziness. But I did feel kinda guilty when I got back in my car. All of a sudden this 20 something girl in a bikini top and shorts comes sashaying towards my car, saying… yelling, actually, “sir..sir..you forgot your napkin”, “sir, sir, …..you forgot your napkin.” Then, with a smug smirky look on her face, INCREDIBLY, SHE PICKS UP THE F’N BIRD SHIT NAPKIN FROM THE GROUND, OPENS MY DRIVER’S SIDE DOOR AND THROWS THE F’N NAPKIN IN MY CAR TOWARDS ME, saying again sarcastically, “you forgot your napkin”. The bird shit napkin hits my arm and lands on the passenger seat. She shuts the door and triumphantly walks away and gets into her SUV, feeling, I’m sure, like she had a double win. Saving the planet, and showing up a slob. Unfortunately, her double victory was short lived. My guilt turned to anger. I opened my door and flung it out, saying in my best sarcastic voice “thank you…. thank you”….
What an ahole!!!! Can you believe that!!?? Here’s a bratty North Shore girl, probably from a tony town and right off the beach and spending her daddy’s money at pricey WholeFoods, showing up an admittedly sloppy adult.
But, okay, litter rage incident over. I survived the attack. Funny story to tell my friends, who will remind me sarcastically that I make friends wherever I go. Kinda like Larry David.
Whoa! Not so fast. She wasn’t done. She wasn’t going to leave me alone with my insolent response to her teaching moment. She gets out of her SUV, and, smirking, starts TAKING PICTURES OF ME in my car, ostensibly to report my crime to the litter police or Al Gore. So now I’m aggravated and kinda nervous about an accurate retelling of the incident. So I did what every self-respecting citizen does today when they see a serious crime. Or what Larry David would do. I pulled out my phone and took pictures of her and her SUV. Hey, she could have been a nut, not just a spoiled suburban brat. She could have accused me of ALL sorts of terrible things. Like killing a lady bug (actually ladybugs are the only bugs I don’t hate and never kill). Finally, when we were done gathering visual evidence, she walked away with a look of disdain that she probably thinks I will never forget. Instead, I gave her a brush off wave. Should have been the finger.
But I guess the moral of the story is that a dad should talk to his daughter about being cautious of her suroundings and a lot more circumspect about butting into situations, given the amount of maniacs in the world. Maybe he should give her a copy of “The Stranger Beside Me” to read. You know….Ted Bundy. That’ll scare the shit out of her. If she reads that book, she may not ever talk to a stranger again. Or open a stranger’s door and throw a bird shit napkin at him. Maybe.