“Men are dogs”. Admit it ladies. You’ve said it. Of course you have. You can’t believe how many times I’ve heard it over the years from women. And if you haven’t said it, you’ve thought it. And you know what? I’VE said it. Men admit it. Yes, we are dogs. Or we’re LIKE dogs. Hey, if I had to pick an animal to be like, it would be a dog. Man’s best friend. Pat us, feed us, let us fetch the ball, let us sleep on the couch, let us hump your leg occasionally. We’ll be happy.
But NATURALLY, a woman wants more. And in fairness, men can really do better at being sensitive with women. Why can’t we talk nice to them BEFORE we have sex? You know, “foreplay”. Google it guys, if you’re not  familiar with the term. I think it means you say something romantic to get her in the mood. And I don’t mean complementing her meatloaf, unless you’re using it as a metaphor for her breasts or ass. Maybe try watching a romantic TV show or movie with her. The problem with that is, if your wife is like my GF, she will want to watch the ID CHANNEL. She loves the shows about wives killing their husbands, usually after cutting their dicks off. They want them to suffer first. Maybe that gets HER in the mood, but not so much me.
Another thing, why can’t men cuddle after sex? I know it seems like a waste of time to us because we’ve already done our jobs, but, try cuddling. Women like it. It makes them feel closer to us. Even though we’d prefer they just watch Sportscenter with us. That would make us feel closer to them.
Sorry, I digress. This is not supposed to be about what  men can do to please women. We already have a well deserved reputation for being dolts when it comes to relationships. This is supposed to be about HOW WOMEN CAN PLEASE THEIR MEN, and thus, be happier themselves. First, women shouldn’t waste their time  reading “how to please your man” books written by women. Because most women don’t know dick about pleasing men. Listen to ME. A man. Men already know the world is full of unhappy women. We’re married to them. We date them. Some are divorced and angry because their husbands left them for another woman, usually younger. Men also already know there are lots of unhappy young women who have dated a series of loser guys. These unhappy young women cause problems for divorced women because they’re younger and they’re sick of nitwit, crude guys their own age. So they now go after husbands who are unhappy in their marriages, and are usually older but nicer, actually have jobs, and are more generous in an old school way. You know, holding doors, complementing you, and actually paying for dinner.  But why are  husbands unhappy, and what can women do to make their husbands happy? The saying shouldn’t be “happy wife makes happy life”. It should be “happy wife AND happy husband make happy life”. You can’t get answers from “how to be happy” books written by women because they focus on how a woman can train her man to make her happy. NO, NO!! Women…. LISTEN TO ME!! A man. Focus on how YOU can make your man happy! If you make HIM happy, he’ll do anything to make YOU happy. And I mean anything. So, ladies, the question is: how do you make your man happy? Do exactly as I tell you and your man will love the shit out of you, if you know what I mean. Seriously. Follow my *13 steps to treating your man as good as you treat  your dog:

1) *Pat us. Scratch our bellies. That is, put your hands on us. Be PHYSICALLY affectionate. Guys may complain about public displays of affection, but we like it. It’s about our egos. We like to know that we’re your favorite dog.

2) *Feed us. Let us eat the foods that WE like, not the salads that you eat because you’re on another of your endless diets, or the organic tasteless shit that’s healthy for us. Hey, can’t we enjoy the one life we have?

3) *Let us sleep on the couch. If you let us sleep on the couch whenever we feel like, we’ll even let you occasionally  cuddle up with us.

4) *Let us watch sports whenever we feel like it. Guys love sports. It’s in our genes. Like dogs chasing balls. And your guy’s balls will be in the palms of your hands if you let him go out with his friends to a sports bar. That won’t kill you and he’ll love you for it.

5) *ALWAYS keep your hand on your guy’s upper thigh when you’re sitting with him. In a movie theater, in a bar, at dinner, anytime you can. This way he’ll know you care about his dick, and other women will know it’s yours and won’t go near it unless they want to get stabbed.

6) *Don’t let your dog drool. For the love of God, when you go out with your guy, can you dress up?! Wear something nice. DO NOT WEAR A SWEATSHIRT!!! DO NOT WEAR SWEATPANTS!!!
This actually happened one night when we were out at a bar. My GF was dancing in the aisle. She ALWAYS looks good because she NEVER goes out with me at night without wearing a hot outfit.
Some girl, actually kind of pretty, wearing a bulky sweatshirt and sweatpants, came up to my GF and asked her something. My GF just laughed. Apparently, the girl’s husband wanted to know if my GF’s “breasts were real”. So he sends his clueless wife to ask. HUH?!!! Can you believe that shit?! Why the F don’t you wear something nice when you go out with your husband?!  And maybe then he won’t be drooling over another girl!!

7) *Can’t you let your guy bark a little? Do you ALWAYS have to bark back at him? Do you ALWAYS have to have a wise answer? Do you ALWAYS have to have the last word? Can’t you stop YAPPING? If a guy wants to argue with someone, let him do it with his cronies at the sports bar. If he wants an irritating discussion about sports or politics with an obnoxious, intransigent, know it all wiseguy, let him have it with his friends. Don’t be that person. You’re his wife. Don’t you want him to bang you, not argue with you? If you constantly argue with him, he may bang someone else.

8) *Watch your dog. If his tale is wagging, he’s happy. Same with your guy. Watch his tail, if you know what I mean. You’ll know if he’s happy.

9)* Play with your husband like, and as much, as you play with your dog. Laugh, smile, giggle, get some joy out of the goofy things that happen every day in our lives. Share these goofy things with your husband. Men like to laugh and have fun. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if you  laugh and play with your husband like you do with your dog?

10) *Sleep with your husband, not your dog AND your husband. There is a difference. Do you know how many divorced women sleep with their dogs? Lots. Dogs in beds are not conducive to sex with your guy. It’s a known fact. There was a study done by Harvard concluding that 90% of couples sleeping with dogs are unhappy with their sex lives. Actually, there was no study. But it does makes sense. Doesn’t it?

11)* Spade your dogs, not your men. Maybe dogs need to be spaded,  but DON’T EMASCULATE your men. Don’t ALWAYS criticize what they do. And if they do something good, don’t tell them  they could have done better. Ladies, please, PLEASE Learn the meaning of the word “emasculate”. ALL guys know the meaning without looking it up. We’ve ALL felt it. We’ve ALL had our balls cut off by our “loving” gals. My GF is constantly trying to cut my manhood off. I’m a reasonably secure guy, but I find myself wanting to either smack her upside her head, figuratively, or instinctively covering up my crotch. Seriously, EVERY guy who’s ever cheated on his spouse, and I mean EVERY guy, knows the feeling. And worst of all for women, if you’re guy has a choice of staying home with a whining harpy or going to a bar and listening to an airhead hoodsie tell him how great he is, well……..even a clueless woman knows the answer.

12) *Don’t FORCE your man to do tricks for you. Don’t expect him to fetch, heel, roll over for you. Remember, men are “like” dogs, we’re NOT dogs. He may give in temporarily. He may in fact do tricks for you. But don’t be surprised if he runs away some day. So, try using some gentle psychology. Don’t expect him to roll over by giving him an ultimatum. I know a wonderful, spiritual, attractive woman who was totally in love with her husband. Unfortunately he loved to play darts and drink beer with his friends. Too often for her. So she gave him an ultimatum: “choose darts or me”. He chose darts. ….and whoever was at the bar holding his dart.

13) Finally, you’re gonna think I’m nuts, but hey, here it is:
* Sleep naked with your husband whenever you can. Hey, it’s not that bad. Yeah, okay, I know you’re gonna be cold.  But, it’s a lot colder in an empty bed. And you’ll be surprised how many times your guy will warm you up.